Realised my general knowledge about things are quite sucky lol, frankly speaking it always have been this way. I don't really have that interest to go find out things about other country, unless i will be going there or already been there. Thanks da chao for making me realised i need to read up alot on silcon valley if not i go there i don't know what question to ask.

I talk to doomie about motivation, he did tell me something interesting. Motivation is from yourself, he said. But i feel that yea its true, why am i not doing my assignments? why? am i too lazy? actually i feel that, i am not lazy to do. Its just that every time i want to start, i always just get distracted, frankly speaking i think my concentration span only 5 min. I know some maybe laughing and say haha how can be 5 min, but i am not lying perhaps i am hyper-active only when i am alone.

I was blog-hopping some day, and i came to read darren my class mate post, his latest one. U know if darren u are reading i will say i like what u post, because it apply to me also, for people who want to read here you go.

"http://shiny-blue-lurve.blogspot.com/"

I will say that not all apply on me, perhaps just a few lines.

Sometimes i question myself, what and why am i waiting for? at the end of the day, things will just go as expected? The only miracle that happen to me was me having a own room? Sad isn't it? Okay first i will explain why is having a own room a miracle, I can do whatever i like in the room, i can scream and shout, and it lets me day dream. its just nice. The only bad thing is that junks often get push into my room.

So back to it again, what am i waiting for? why am i getting so upset every time i think about it? The fact is that i got through it? but its just like a deep cut, even though i don't feel the pain normally, but every time when i accidentally touch it, it hurts.

Enough of emoing i guess? But only when u emo, then it will make u have more inspiration to write a good post. I guess that was the reason i didn't write any post for the last year, i can say that I was happy.

To my class mate, thanks la I am happy when i in school so don't think 2 much especially eilly. Thats why you don't see me blogging in school LOL. Good luck for assignments i think i need that too heh.

Quote of the day("I don't miss you and you alone; I miss you and me together") I think this quote is great, some times fb do come out with good stuff.

It goes

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

MOMENTS, that took my breath away, i feel that maybe in my life the biggest moment will be, winning my first gold medal in swimming. And maybe other medals also. but i think the greatest one for me now, will be the lost i had, to something that i felt never existed. And yup it didn't just took my breath away, it stops it.

Since its gone, lets stop talking about it also

I realised i like to blog out my thoughts, rather than what happen in my daily life, because i always feel bored reading about people's daily life. So as not to bore my handful amount of reader, i will give them my thoughts of excitement or just simply my boring thoughts.

Today's thoughts will be about losing something, i feel that losing make u improve the most, mentally and physically. Lets just take dota for example,

If u really ask me how many games i played in my life, i really cannot tell because dota is like a cigarette to me in the past. But what i learn from it, teamwork and communication is very important, sometimes having a bad start doesn't mean u will lose the game. I feel myself as an average player, I lost many, won many. I feel that i improved the most in dota is when i keep losing to one of my fren's team, I don't like to feel humiliated by getting trash so bad, therefore after that i did train hard and play hard just to be of a certain standard. I still have average skills but at least able to win more games now.

When i mean train in dota, i really did go train, not just keep playing. I watch replays to study item build, I watch what is the timing for each attacks, i really did do all of that! Crazy? Maybe there are more crazy people. If i ask myself why did i do all of that, I will just say, simply just to win. We all do crazy things to win, but for me, I like winning in a fair way, I don't cheat, try to hack etc.

But after that i realised, dota is best improved as a team, i need to have good friends to team with me in order to be good, but i realised maybe i treat the game too serious in the past, If any of my dota mates are reading this, I would like to say i'm sorry for scolding u all when we play, You guys play this for leisure, but i still scold u all. The reasons that i scold u all, perhaps is more of "i don't like to lose games", and some times i do feel i put in 120% effort in playing but u guys just seems to give up even before we lose. It does irritates me, but at the end of the day, i only blame myself for losing the game, because usually i play the carry(which means the one who is the strongest at the later part) .

I do agree that people play dota for different reasons, maybe for me alone, even if i don't verbally admit it. But the fact that I can like totally own(trash) the game does boost my ego. Perhaps thats the fact that make me talk like i very cocky, and i don't just mean dota, maybe other things also. But the fact is, I am cocky sometimes, but only in the game or to my closer friends. But for friends I just use it as a joke, to strangers, (or people who don't know me well enough) its just my "bad english" that cause me to be this way.

Perhaps this post can allow people who hates dota (Eilly dan or other girls) to understand the mentality of a player who played the game. For my case, i feel that since poly year 2 , I play dota only to play with my friends, maybe girls who don't play it will not understand but its a game that improve friendships. Frankly speaking if I never play dota, i won't know good frens like doomie, xy, peizhi, and many more. As a matter of fact i won't even talk to them, but now they are like gay partners to me lol.

But now after i stop playing dota because of my regrets, I have alot of time to think, this is why I have so many blog post recently lol. So is it a good choice to quit?

"O.Tsubasa is currently injured!" Its a inside thing lol.

Now i guess, instead of spending time on the games that i play in the past, i will use it to do something else. Use it to self-improve and self-educate. To reach that target that i really want to hit, to attain knowledge, wisdom, fitness and last one which i certainly don't have now, Happiness.

Quote of the day("Loving someone is setting them free, letting them go.")Quoted by Kate Winslet

Its taking a toll off me now? Fencing has been a part of my life for sometime now, but its only seems that i am getting worst and worst each time i fence. OK people may say that, there is no coach but still dropping of standard to this level is almost not edwin-like. Just hope any coach come soon and help me get back in shape, physically and mentally.

nothing much to share about family, relationships only one word, Betrayal or maybe its stupidity. Learned my lesson i guess, perhaps being bad is a better choice than good. I asked myself and other people before, what is the use of being a good guy, u only get off unnoticed. People will just think u are another guy of the block. So perhaps the bad here i mean is not doing evil stuff, just some things i have in mind yea.

I believe most people have been in this situation before, its hard to be a good person giving advice when people obviously don't want to listen. So yea why give the advice, so for example if a friend come ask me, how to quit smoking, now i will just tell him, for what u want to quit? Just smoke and die. Maybe this way, he/she will wake up and stop smoking.

Evil? nope its not evil, rather its tactics to tackle the mind, perhaps girls won't understand( sorry for being sexist) but yea, majority of the gals who read the above line will just think i am pure evil, but if u really think about it. What is the use saying, really ah u want to quit? ok good luck jia you, then tell them do this do that, please i can tell u! they will be motivated for awhile, then slowly lose it. I feel that people remember bad things better, for example people won't remember what good u do to them, they will only remember the bads, so don't deny it lol. We are all human. So just say FUCK OFF GO SMOKE AND DIE, maybe they will hate u and try to prove u wrong? then even though u lose a fren, but u helped him extend his life, this is the bad i mean.

I feel i need to learn many things, so from now on, i think i lost my trust, i won't blindly trust people anymore. Words are cheap, action is what i want now.

Quote of the day("The only difference between a bad guy and a good guy, is that bad guy will gain the credit, the good will only be happy in silence") quoted by ed

I find it a funny question because all ns guys will ask u, what army guy u want to be, chao geng one or chiong one. It just feels weird trying to answer this question, but i will say that i would rather just let nature take it course.

OK enough about army, Maybe one more feeling is that we are graduating , yea of course we have to pass this sems first heh. So guys lets under our last sems heh.

Quote of the day("A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.")

i feel that perhaps take a break from it, can make me feel better both physically and mentally heh. Of course i will be lying if i say i took a break from games as i still play fm and fifa. But its not as time consuming i guess, because i managed newcastle in fm which can be some suck after losing a few games and u don't feel like playing anymore lol.

For fifa perhaps i only challenge real people, so yea i don really play against computer unless i training my set pieces, i want to be a true set piece master heh.

But todays issue is not really about games i guess,

Just when i type this line my mom come nag again haiz!! any body share the same pain as me?

OK back to the topic, its about fate!

I search online for its defination this is what i get

What is predetermines? so is everything predetermine? then y bother study? anyway it seems that everything is already planned out for u ? People keep saying let nature take it course. But can we? Can we just seriously let everything go as per normal?

I don't know what is other people opinion! but my firm answer stand as NO! I really need to go against fate, this is how i passed my family problems, this is why i don't like to lose to people in anything, this is also why i feel so sore always when i lose. Ok this is only to serious stuff, like real competition and stuff not to simple relax competition.

From now on, I need to work hard, I need a change over, not to live that life that i once had, complaining over the smallest of things, get affected by my mom and start giving a stupid no mood face. Last is stop lying to myself, I believe I lied to myself so many times, maybe this is a way to get myself motivated, but I will only do what i think is appropriate.

Thanks for reading and yea good day everybody! I hope i will have one also.

BTW THANKS MS FOR RECOVERING MY HDD! THOUGH IT MAY SEEMS USELESS NW BUT I AM HAPPY AT LEAST TO GET BACK SOME OF MY STUFF INCLUDING SONGS HEH :)

Quote of the day( “Fate is a misconseption, it's only a cover-up for the fact you don't have control over your own life.”)

Many things happen to me this few days, i thought i was able to thought it all through but yea. its not that easy as it seems. I agree that time is something that will heal all, but yea time doesn't pass as fast and i don't want it to pass so fast also. Many things to do many things to say.

One of them is a fren reformating my external harddrive, i will have to say that i don't blame him for doing that, i only blame it on my stupidity about computer to not being able to do simple stuffs like that well. Maybe u all feel what is so important about the hard drive, i will have to say it had something that is very important to me, i don't know whether its important to that person who send it to me, or whether that person remember it. But yea its something that really cheers me up everything i feel down. Something that i felt was really important so i decided to take it and back it up, but it seems like fate only puts me down. But really i don't blame my friend. so don't feel guilty when u read this. i just need to let go

Quote of the day(The toughest man on the outside is the weakest man on the inside)